You Only Go Once (Y.O.G.O.)
Cheryl and Eileen explore different topics around the limited time we have on this earth to create a fully layered life. Because...You Only Go Once!
You Only Go Once (Y.O.G.O.)
Alex Conway's Journey into Authenticity, Culture, and Mental Health
Have you ever wondered how two contrasting worlds of Eastern philosophy and Western psychology could unite for personal growth and happiness? Alex Conway, a seasoned clinical psychologist, author, and founder of LGBTQJoy.com, passionately shares his story of bridging this gap. From exploring the impact of being different to using Eastern and Western thought patterns to embrace authenticity, Alex offers an enlightening discussion on the harmony between these two paradigms and how they can inspire us to be our most authentic selves.
One of Alex's significant achievements is his success in establishing a LGBTQ+ support group in an underserved district. Armed with music, introduction sessions, and a compassionate space for people to be themselves, Alex magnifies the transformative potential of empathy and kindness on individuals' lives. His heartwarming story emphasizes the profound effect of acceptance and understanding, especially regarding the significant role it plays in shaping children's lives.
Venturing further, we journey into the diverse world of cultures, authenticity, and mental health with Alex. His enriching experiences studying at the University of Sydney and understanding the Yin and Yang concept unlock a fascinating dialogue about life balance. The conversation peaks with an exploration of emotions and connections, illuminating how mindfulness and emotional awareness can help us understand ourselves better and nurture impactful relationships. Prepare for an enriching discourse that is as captivating as it is enlightening as Alex Conway guides us through his journey.
Hello, hello, hello everyone, welcome back. We are here today with my lovely co-host, eileen Grimes, with the podcast you Only Go Once, and today we have a fantastic guest. Eileen kick us off.
Speaker 2:Thanks, cheryl. So today we have brought in Alex Conway. Alex has a decade of experience in clinical psychology, helping people feel seen, connected and inspired to become better versions of themselves. He's an author, activist and founder of LGBTQJoycom. Alex, welcome, welcome, welcome. And we have to tell everyone, because both Cheryl and I have mentioned this now as soon as we signed on, that Alex has this amazing, beautiful, lit up background right now, with all different colors that I might get distracted by, but I think, maybe I, hopefully I got my fill of it at the beginning of this. Welcome, alex.
Speaker 3:Thank you, I appreciate it and thank you so much for that kind welcome.
Speaker 2:So we're just so excited to have you here today, one from your clinical psychology background and experience. I have my other company that is loved as you are. So the whole concept is I want kids to feel seen as the people that they are and help parents to help grow their kids into those people. Right, we're not trying to turn them into anyone else. So the scene connected, an inspired piece of it just touches my heart completely. Yeah, what so? Where you're? You're an author or what? What have you written? What came out? What do you want to share with folks and what sort of inspired you to be here and live this fullest self that you have today?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I just love joy, I just love the idea of it, I love helping people feel inspired to be happy. My background is in clinical psychology. I started off with my masters and was on track to getting my doctorate and about a week before graduation the school unexpectedly shut down. So, taking that experience and at the same time my dissertation was exploring Eastern philosophy and Western psychology and how to combine to help each other thrive and so, through that experience inspired me to create this company, to create this coaching company to help other people around the world who did not have those same lectures and end up being one of the greatest blessings in disguise, because had I gone and had I finished and gotten my doctorate, my license would only be valid in the state of New York.
Speaker 3:Sure that I'm able to be a coach. I've been able to help inspire people in Taiwan, in Poland and all over the world, and so helping them to see that there's so much more to who they are than these preconceived notions or these titles or these things that we place on ourselves, and to really help them learn to dig deep to find what makes them happy, what inspires them. And so my book is just all of the research I wrote that was going to be my doctoral dissertation, but published in a in a way that can hopefully help others learn that information. And the information looks at what is the impact of being different specifically sexual orientation on one sense of self, and how do we use all of these tools from both Eastern and Western ways of thinking to inspire us and teach us the tools to be happy in life?
Speaker 2:And wow, there's so much. Let's just. Can you just coach me now, just kidding. No, that's not fair to you, because that would be that say no, eileen, not a good idea, because my time is worth much more than just free. So where? So, as you're talking about Eastern and Western right, where did you sort of start with that learning? Where? Where did that sort of come across your path to even know? To integrate the two.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so a lot of what I was learning in school was purely Western and I really like a lot of the ways of thinking, but there needed to be more, and especially with the LGBTQ plus community. It's so interesting because it's one of the rare incidences where it fits every person from every culture, every age, every background, every identity all gets lumped into one category, and a lot of the times when you're looking at studies they'll say we studied the LGBTQ community and therefore the entire community does X, y or Z. In reality, you look at the study and it was mostly done on maybe white gay men, and so compare a black transgender woman does not necessarily make sense, and so just having one way of thought doesn't really fit the complexities of this community and I really got inspired by Buddhism.
Speaker 3:And specifically Buddhism and the idea of Yin and Yang, so the idea that we have these opposites coming together to create something beautiful. And in Western psych we have a very similar idea. It's called object relations and it looks at different aspects of the individual and how they may seem opposite or may seem different, but come together. And in Buddhism there's the idea of enlightenment, which is where we are living authentically in the moment with compassion, and I love how simple that is. It's not easy to do, but how it gives a simple framework for what to focus our energy on and how do we use the tools from Western psych to get there. So what does it mean?
Speaker 1:to be authentic.
Speaker 3:Well, in Western psych there is a model called self psychology and it looks at what do you need as an individual to develop your true self, which is basically the authentic self, and it says you need to be seen for who you are, your individuality, what makes you different so your sexual orientation, for example. You need to feel connected to other people who have that shared sense of difference, and you need to feel inspired to become a better version of yourself. And so I love the combination of the two and how it takes these complex things but really simplifies it in a way that can be used to help almost any person, depending on what the issue is. And I love how there's just ways of being kinder, ways of being more present and ways of being more ourselves. And I found that doing the research and practicing what I preach has been so helpful when I face my own difficulties in life, and my experience is being able to help others do the same.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love the mix right? Are you a practicing Buddhist or are you just?
Speaker 3:I'm just curious. Yeah, yeah, although I do feel inspired by the teachings.
Speaker 2:Sure, yeah, yeah, no, I think it's fascinating, and I mean raised Catholic, recovering Catholic, I think that's what we call it.
Speaker 2:So but, yeah, I was fascinated to learn and understand these other ways of thinking about not just it's not just religion, right, it's life, and it's a whole way of thinking about the entire ecosystem of being in this world. And yeah, I just I think it's wonderful and there's so much complexity to each one of us that there's a part that I feel like at least Western, some of the medicine practices and things like that too. And I think that we should leave out the individual piece right, each individual is going to bring their own unique experiences, their own life story, their own own pieces that, until you allow for those things to become more human and have that heart, you're never going to get a full picture of it. And combining sort of those two I just think is such a beautiful mix to, yes, have some of the information that we can go off of and have some of that, but then also say I'm dealing with this one unique person also, and how do we work together to make you feel seen and connected and inspired as just wonderful?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I love that Buddhism is one of the few, if not only major religion that doesn't have a God. It is all about humans trying to be better humans, and I love how the Dalai Lama is such a fan of neuroscience and of using both to influence each other, and how the field is starting to pick up on some of these teachings that have been around for thousands and thousands of years but are now being more closely studied in a lab through that Western lens.
Speaker 2:Got it. Yeah, yeah, I my family makes fun of me, for, like every time you explain what you believe in spiritually, it sounds like you're describing the force from Star Wars so well. I mean, yes, so sorry that that's, those are the words I use around it. But yes, like the interconnectedness of all things and all of this stuff is what I see in this world and anyway, I just having that background of learning about Buddhism and all of those kind of things too, is definitely a sort of a foundational piece for me and in the belief and spirituality that I have.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I love your mission statement with this, because I'm sure you've heard this 100 times but, as you know, during the pandemic it just felt so insular and so lonely at times. So the fact that when you talk about you know, not only being seen as an individual, but it's part of something universal, must be so much of a relief to people that are seeking your services. You know, you know I've heard a lot of people just feeling, you know, the sense of loss has been unbelievable. So being able to reclaim any sort of sense of self and be able to move past that is so important and I'm so glad you you bring that especially to the community that you're serving. Can you tell us about your first experience and again, no names, you know we're not doing crime junkies, nothing like that. Could you tell us about your first experience where you felt like, yeah, I'm on the right path for this? Could you?
Speaker 1:share a little bit about that experience.
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely so. One of my experiences was in a charter school in DC area and one of the most underserved districts in the city, slash, likely the country. A lot of my individuals were homeless or had, you know, a parent that was maybe in prison or incarcerated or a lot of struggles, and it was the first time that I was able to create an LGBTQ plus support group.
Speaker 3:And it was the first time I was able to apply my passions to actual individuals who needed the help and to see how much joy they got from the simplest things, from being able to start the session by just playing music and allowing them the opportunity to walk in. I had fans, I had a little props for them for them to walk into the room, say their name, have a seat Something as simple as that gave them so much joy, because for so many other aspects of the day in their lives they did not feel comfortable to walk in. They would get in touch for who they were. They did not have a room of people clap. When they walked in inside their name, they oftentimes had the opposite, and so something as simple as playing a song and allowing an individual to walk into a room can have such a massive impact, let alone all the skills and tools that we're learning in school. That's great, that's an added bonus, but just allowing people the space to be themselves, how impactful and how powerful that could be really inspired me that, no matter what life throws at you, you're on the right path. You are creating the opportunity for people to feel seen. You are allowing individuals the chance to connect with other people and you're trying to inspire them to become better people.
Speaker 3:And how simple those three things sound and, in reality, what it's like when you don't have those, what it's like when people don't take the time to see you, when people don't try and connect with you, when you don't feel inspired.
Speaker 3:And how many people in this world go through life not having those three things met. So you take the opportunity to at least try, and that's what I love about all these theories is it just needs to be good enough. It doesn't need to be perfect, you don't need to, you know, always be there every second of the day, and I like how humanizing that is too. As long as you are at least attempting to or trying to help instill these things into children, that is all they need to be successful, and ideally they get it from their parents, but the reality is that does not always happen, and so, as long as I have any figure in the lives that takes the time to do that, they turn out significantly better, and so just giving the opportunity to treat others with kindness and with compassion and the impact that can have on someone's life who has not had that in the past is so, so powerful and so rewarding.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sure.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, do you do virtual sessions? I would just like to be in one, yes.
Speaker 3:Yes, we do virtual sessions. We're starting to try and do more groups. We're trying to kind of expand to try and meet other people's needs as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I just I just as I said, this is so in line with what I want to do with both this podcast and with the book stuff that I have out, and actually also in the consulting working that I'm doing right now also. Oh, we need more heart and human in this world and it's just so beautiful to see other people doing that and getting inspired to do that and passing it on Right, this is, this is how things change. This is how hearts change and minds change and people become the whole versions of themselves that they deserve to be and deserve to be all along. So you know, as you were talking to, you know you were talking about, is it really important to have all of these things?
Speaker 2:Some of what inspired me to start some of those was a lacking of some of that, right, so did what sort of inspired you to go through this, you know? So I mean I could be through all the old podcasts and stuff, but you know, as a one of six and it's like just didn't. Does anyone see me? Does anyone see me here? There's so many people and I was a quiet kid so in school you know all of that kind of stuff and, yeah, there was just this. I didn't feel like I even had an inner voice to be able to share out loud with anybody, and it took me many, many years to find that, share that and get it out. So I'm curious if you had experience sort of with that Through your journey.
Speaker 3:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 3:I'm very lucky and fortunate to have a supportive family been there for me and supported me and uplifted me and, at the same time, being individual who's gay and being somebody who likes to explore gender did not always come easy, especially in a conservative town in the Midwest.
Speaker 3:Did not always feel easy, and there was oftentimes, since being Jewish as well, there was oftentimes a lot of anti-Semite comments and there's oftentimes a lot of homophobic comments, and so I knew from an early age what it was like to be picked, dying for things that are different, and I knew I did not want other people to feel that way in the future, and so I knew as my mission to try to make this world a kinder and more compassionate place to be and to try to treat others with more kindness and compassion.
Speaker 3:And even if I'm having a tough day or even if things are going not as I would like to try to recognize that when talking to other people and not laugh out at them and realize they are humans too. And even if I'm having a bad day does not give me the right to talk down to somebody else or to treat them poorly. And so, even if I'm frustrated and if I'm been on hold for hours trying to deal with customer service and I'm so annoyed person on the side of that line and to try to treat them with more kindness and just throughout my day, try to smile at people or try to do little acts of kindness, give little acts of joy, because I know firsthand what it's like when you are having a tough day and somebody goes out of their way to do even the simple things like that or just ask how are you and just make care. So the more opportunities you have to spread kindness, the better the world is. I feel Couldn't agree more.
Speaker 1:That's perfect. Yep, yep. It's funny when I hear you talk. I hear about people basically taking up the space that they are entitled to, that they deserve right, and Eileen and I talk about how we're introverts. I think I'm more introverted than she is because I hear Eileen you know she talks about. She was a family of six and she's like me, me, me and I was in a family of two and by the time I got to adulthood, I'm like you just go over there, like I'm fine, you don't need to look at me, I'm fine, I'm fine. And now I'm, you know, I look at it. I think to myself I don't know where the balance is in terms of space. How do you help people find their space and being able to either expand their space no, I guess there is no either. It is really like expanding their space right, and especially if people are, you know, are also introverted and nervous about saying like this is who I am and I deserve this.
Speaker 3:I think it's a great question and I don't know if it's necessarily a right or wrong way of kind of going about it, but I found that helping individuals first realize they are worthy, they deserve space, because a lot of times they're not asking for it because they don't feel that they can have it. So why would I ask for space? I don't deserve space. So helping them realize you do, you are, value, your opinions matter. I'm curious to know more about it. Allowing them that opportunity to have space, allowing them that opportunity to see what it's like to have it, and then allowing them the opportunities to try and grow through curiosity, through questions, through compassion, through allowing them that space and also allowing them the opportunity to say no.
Speaker 3:So when I did the confidence walks with those kids in the LGBTQ group, there's a lot of people who were really shy, and so the extroverts loved it. They had an opportunity, they got attention, they could spend 20 to 30 seconds walking around the room having a great time, and some of the introverts were a little bit more shy and so every day they'd be given the opportunity to, the same opportunity as everybody else, and sometimes they would say, just kind of, walk in quietly and sit down and say their names, and sometimes they would take a little bit longer, a little bit more space, but just giving them equal opportunities and assuring them you are worthy, you are deserving of having this space and, ultimately, it is okay if you take up a little bit and it's okay if you take up less, as long as that decision is coming from what you want and what is important to you.
Speaker 1:It's a great answer, thank you. You talked about Eastern and Western cultures. Have you traveled? Is part of your. Do you go? I guess? Do you provide the service internationally? I guess is what I'm asking.
Speaker 3:So I, right now, am doing virtual sessions wherever you know the websites. Live the websites booking, you know, book a session wherever you're at, Okay. But I have also been very fortunate to travel, and so one of the places when I was an undergrad I had the opportunity to study at the University of Sydney and to see firsthand what it's like to study, to live, to be immersed in a culture that is completely different from the one in which I was raised in, and to have the opportunity to study with professors and to have that way of thinking instilled in my way of thinking really helped to create a more global perspective of what are the actual issues.
Speaker 3:how are they different? How are we similar? We have a lot in common, but what are those differences and what is the importance of those differences? And really looking at those and trying to find ways to celebrate them.
Speaker 1:It's awesome it is. I'm glad you had that experience. That's very cool, especially undergrad, my goodness. Yeah, it's great.
Speaker 2:No, I feel like we get lost sometimes in the like. We can either only talk about the similarities or we only talk about the differences. Right, and there's a lot of like De and I effort specifically related that it's like oh well, we talk here's. We have to be both right, we have to talk about both things. Both can be true, we can both be different and the same, and that is what makes it so special, right.
Speaker 3:That's why I love that idea of Yin and Yang, because it just visually gets at and simplifies that idea that there is both. There is both pain and there is joy. There is both sadness and happiness. There is both. You know strengths and weaknesses. Whatever the difference is, there's always gonna be a little bit of both. And so, even days when I'm fearing, really, really down or really really low, recognizing there is still part of me that feels joy.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, definitely We'll take a second. It's okay, you're good.
Speaker 3:Although I realize it's audio omelette.
Speaker 2:Totally good. Yeah, no, you're fine. I think it's better that so that works.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I think the yin and yang is so incredibly important in every area of our life, right? I mean it can be balance of work and life and there's so much of that that when we really take the time to think about it, it can make our life better. When we really understand that with one there is no other, right? Yeah, so okay, so let's say we're new clients and we come in and we're like interested in your services. What are the first things you sort of start to tap into or look at or you know, what are questions that you start asking to really understand where this person is and what are their needs?
Speaker 3:sort of are yeah, I mean, I think it really depends on the individual, but in general, trying to get a sense of why are they coming to me, what do they want, what are their goals, what is something that is important to them, and then how do we get there? So, kind of exploring a little bit about their past because their past informs who they are and it's important to have an idea of where you've been and kind of who you are but really helping them to focus on those three things. Helping them focus on becoming more authentic. So what is their true self? What does it mean to be authentic? You can be happy, you can be sad. There's all these different sides of you, but really looking at it through a lens of intersectionality, so you are all of these different things. You are both female, mother, whatever the scientist like. You have all these different traits. How do they all come together to create the person? Then, looking at mindfulness, so how do we be more present? Oftentimes, people, when they overly focus on the past or mistake, they may feel more depressed. And if they're overly focused on the future or some deadline that may or may not come, they may get more anxious. And helping them to kind of slow down and just focus on the present moment and learn to be there. And we do a lot of breathing techniques to help them feel more grounded, to help them recognize thinking of that yin and yang in terms of the body. So our body has its own internal sense of balance.
Speaker 3:From a neurologic perspective, we have two main ways of functioning. The first is rest, digest, relaxation. The second is fight, flight, freeze, flight, fight. And so recognizing what is happening in our body when we start to get anxious, what does it look like? Oftentimes we freeze, thinking about it like a deer. So a deer sees something horrifying, it freezes Deer in a head. We do the same thing. We may be emotionally freeze, or our mind goes blank or muscles get tense, then they fling. So we do the same thing. We might avoid the topic, we might run away from the thing that's scaring us, and then fighting so we might become more aggressive. So recognizing that these behaviors are universal for all humans and most animals and are happening at a physiological level, as well as the cure, so to say, of being calmer, more relaxed, more centered, and so teaching people that in the present moment, through things like breathing exercises or other mindfulness techniques, to be more present, to be more grounded.
Speaker 3:And the third area that we like to explore a lot is around compassion, and there's been a lot of research on overall sense of happiness and traditionally it was through the lens of self esteem. I feel good about myself because I am better than average. Now, that is wonderful if you're above average. However, by definition, only half the people can be above average. Right, they're setting up half of the population to just feel bad about themselves.
Speaker 3:And self compassion is different. Self compassion recognizes our shared common humanity. It recognizes mindfulness of being in the present moment without judgment, and it recognizes kind of that inner strength. And oftentimes we can be really compassionate to others. You have a child, or you know a child, and they are hurting. You are likely going to want to comfort them, unless you're a monster. But most people are, given the better for the doubt, see a child in pain and want to try to ease that suffering. And yet when we have our own suffering, we don't always do that. We talk down to ourselves. We say, oh my God, you're the worst person ever because you failed this math test or whatever it is. We're so critical.
Speaker 3:And so the research has shown that compassion is a stronger indicator of overall happiness than almost anything and, compared to self esteem, significantly better at boosting that overall sense of happiness.
Speaker 3:And it's a tool and a skill that we can learn and that we can practice and we can get better at each day. So teaching individuals who may not have these things, that's okay. We'll start from wherever you're at and then we'll just work each day at learning how to increase that, because oftentimes all three are connected. The more that I can just be myself, the more I'm comfortable being in the present moment, the more that I can be kind to myself, the more I can be comfortable being myself, and so all of these things are kind of interrelated. So it doesn't really matter necessarily where you start doing the work, but as long as you're doing that work, you start seeing more and more benefits and so, depending on where the individual is at, kind of helping them see where are you, where would you like to go and how can we get there. And how can we get there using all these tools at a disposal to help you feel more confident, happier and just have better overall sense of joy in life.
Speaker 2:Again, I mean yeah.
Speaker 1:I need to sign up.
Speaker 2:No, I love it. I just I've been doing I mean, as our listeners know and are sick of hearing, I have done so much of my own internal work and things like that and therapy and stuff, and I'm actually I just started occupational therapy, which has been fascinating, and they have an MNRI approach, right. So the home neural network. And yeah, I was, I was diagnosed with PTSD and so they actually the other day went in. She was like, oh yeah, your vagus nerve is just like go and drill, dysfunctional basically.
Speaker 2:But yeah, like hitting that when you're in that fight or flight constantly. That has been something I'm trying to relearn what normal or what the rest and digest even feels like at this point, right, and to then be aware of when the fight or flight then kicks in. So for me, I'm like unlearning some different things right now because I've just been in this sort of steady state of fight or flight. But yeah, it's, it's, it's been quite a process. I'm like, okay, I can. I think doing some of the mindfulness things are it's going to be incredibly helpful too. Do you have a breathing technique you might want to share with us?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I have a few that I really like. One that I really like is kind of think about any situation, whether you're happy, whether you're sad, whatever the emotion is. Think of whatever that emotion is Now. Think about how intensely are you feeling it, and a scale from one to 10. So I'm extremely angry, I'm extremely happy, kind of in the middle, whatever it is, and then allow yourself that many deep breaths to just feel that emotion. So I am looking at flowers right now and they make me smile like a six. I see the reflection of my life just makes me feel happy and I'm going to say roughly six. I'm going to allow myself six deep breaths to just feel that joy and listeners at home, whatever the emotion is, all emotions are valid. So if you're having a really tough day and you're feeling angry and it's an eight, that's okay to allow yourself that many deep breaths.
Speaker 3:And so inhale One, two, three, old one, two, three. Exhale One, two, three and repeat. Inhale one, two, three, old one, two, three. Exhale one, two, three and just go at your own pace, repeat as many times as necessary. But I like this, this one that we did, the one, two, three. Hold.
Speaker 3:One, two, three, release is called triangle breathing. The pause is really helpful to help encourage us to really slow down and really take advantage of it. There's also box breathing, so inhale pause, exhale, pause. And there's just deep breathing, so just inhale one, two, three, four, exhale one, two, three, four. Each one of those three may be slightly different for each individual, so I encourage you to try them to see which one do you like. Some people really love triangle breathing, some people love box breathing, some people like deep breathing, some people hate all breathing. Everybody's just a little bit different and so there's no one size fits all, and that's okay. And so I like this because it's been really helpful in recognizing where I'm at in the moment and specifically having a lot of science back to back and needing to regroup in between and to recognize. Right now I had a client who is maybe suicidal or had child abuse or some type of trauma, and I'm sad, or I'm disappointed, I'm angry, I'm feeling some type of negative emotion. Allow myself that brief moment to just feel that.
Speaker 3:And again we're only doing 10 deep breaths, so you can really do this exercise anytime, anywhere, and it allows you that opportunity to feel that, and especially if you're doing it for all emotions, so not just when you're feeling sad, but also when you're feeling happy.
Speaker 3:A lot of the research in positive psychology looks at ideas like savoring. So how do we take something that brings us joy and fill along it? So if I really like drinking a cup of coffee, instead of having my cup of coffee in the morning and 30 seconds and being done with it, having one sip at a time and really enjoying the flavors, the notes, the different senses of it, and taking that one cup of coffee and having it become a five minute experience of joy, or however long it's going to be and so taking the things in our lives that are already going well and just appreciating them a little bit, slowing down to enjoy that, because it's always going to be both back to that idea of being a Yang there's always going to be the things in life that we like and the things in life that are challenging. So taking the time to recognize both and especially the things that bring us joy, can be really, really helpful.
Speaker 2:For sure, and I think I mean Cheryl and I've talked about this before with stuff where sometimes it's like having worked in IT and things before, it's like I'm really good at calling out the things that don't work versus the wins that I've had, and so, you know, just being able to sit in those, those moments and really appreciate that. One of the things that I'm curious if you have any resources for for folks has, at least I, struggled with this. I my vocabulary for emotions, feelings, was very, very low when I first started into therapy and different things like that. You know I'm frustrated. What does that mean? What, what, what is the emotion and they're feeling that you're having in this? So I'm curious if you have anything that you recommend for people who might still be sort of starting on their journey of what even having an emotion is and how to name. That is just something that people can kind of look at and see, because I can sit in the moment and be like, well, I'm feeling, my body feels this. I don't know what it is yet.
Speaker 3:And that's okay. And so one tool that can be helpful is called the emotions. We all and people can just Google it and it comes up with a bunch of different images. Find the one that works best for you. But it's a really good way of taking these emotions and making them more complex, and so when working with children, the emotion wheel may be a little bit more simple. When working with adults, there's a little bit more complexity in the emotion. So really taking the time to kind of find the one that works for you and then using it and just like any new skill, the more in which you practice it, the easier it becomes and so taking the time to find one and then using it each day and saying how am I really feeling right now?
Speaker 3:And giving yourselves periodic and somewhat random check ins of throughout the day, sometime in the morning, sometime in the evening, afternoon, whatever is going to be manageable for each individual and realistic, but just doing a check in how am I feeling and how am I feeling in terms of these things? How am I feeling physically, as my body exhausted? Where am I feeling that exhaustion in my body? How am I feeling emotionally? How am I feeling spiritually? And just checking in with ourselves, because a lot of times we're on autopilot, we're not really aware of what's happening, and if we're not really aware of what's happening, we don't really know what to do next. So taking the time to just check in with ourselves and seeing how we're feeling can be really helpful. Another thing I love is the body scan, and again, this is something that can be easily Googled or YouTube. There's many different versions of it, but it essentially looks at starting at your toes and scanning each part of your body to realize which part is fearing a sense of stress or tension and, when possible, trying to calm it and relax it. And so, of note, some individuals may have difficulty with this. If they have some type of physical limitation, that is okay. Some people may not be able to feel a part of their body, and so don't feel shame around that, but for other individuals this can be a really helpful tool to recognize.
Speaker 3:I didn't even realize my jaw was cleansed. I didn't even realize that my neck was hunched over like a croissant, because I'm looking at my phone all day and now I recognize that, and so now I can kind of sit back up, have maybe better posture, take a deep breath and relax and that, after being aware that I was stressed and now I'm relaxed, can be really powerful because it shows the individual that you can have more control over your emotions and over your feelings. And it's also easy exercise to be done pretty much most places you can take it, whether at your desk or wherever you are kind of just taking a brief moment to kind of just notice where your body's at now Through that lens of mindfulness. So we're not trying to change it, we're not judging it, we're not saying, oh my God, I'm a monster because I have tension in my neck.
Speaker 3:I'm just recognizing oh, my neck is tense right now. What happens if I do this? Okay, now it's a bit more relaxed or maybe it's more tense, but just recognizing that connection between your mind and your body can be really really powerful and really helpful.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm just so glad that the positive psychology stuff is passed, or whatever we want to call it. But right, it's just, it's the again, the yin and yang of allowing for all, for all of these things. That is not shameful to fear, feel anger, not shameful to feel sad. It's not shameful to feel joy. Right, like all of these pieces are part of the human experience, and to accept for and allow for that, and to even embrace all of those moments in our lives, I just it's not. Just, we'll think more positive around it, it'll get better.
Speaker 3:No, Absolutely, and what I love is there are roughly 7 billion people on this planet and every single person has the exact same emotional capabilities, no matter where you are. So every person feels sadness, every person feels joy, every person feels shame. Every person feels. Whatever the emotion is. They may feel it for different reasons, but they ultimately feel that emotion and so, no matter who you are, no matter what you're experiencing, at times it may feel isolating. I'm the only person who's ever felt this. I'm the only person who's ever felt embarrassed for who they are or whatever it is.
Speaker 3:Yes you may feel that way and that is a real belief in the moment and, at the same time, every person on this planet has felt this. Every person in the past has felt this. Every person in the future will feel this. Hopefully, we can feel more positive emotions, but every person also feels the negative ones, and so when you are experiencing that, realize that it's connecting you to the deeper human experience that we all go through and allowing that to be a source of strength Instead of I'm the only person who's felt this way. No, in fact, we all feel this way, and it is okay, because we all ultimately continue to feel other things as well. They're all temporary, so it may feel like the shame is never ending. That's okay. Allow it to be and allow it to feel connected to everybody else who's felt the similar sense of shame or whatever it may be, and allow that to be a source of strength versus a source of isolation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's where the connection piece comes in right. Once we build our bridges to each other, we see that we're not alone, we see we can have these conversations like oh yeah, I know I felt very angry about something that happened, or, you know, for me, for becoming a mom, when I was able to talk with other mothers and feeling the isolation and the loneliness that comes with being a mother, you know, especially in the very beginning parts of it, I was like, oh, it's not just me. So having that connection, like you said, is such an integral piece of that journey too.
Speaker 3:Absolutely To recognize kind of that sense of twinship, that we are so connected, we have so much in common. And the first time you find somebody who is like your metaphoric twin, who just has that same sense of identity, oh my God, not only are you a mother, but you're also a single mother from the ex geographic region with religious background, and your kid also has excellent disability. Oh my God, we I understand you, I know what you're going. I don't know you but I know you and how powerful that can be. And even when we feel like we are alone with the only person who's ever felt XYZ, recognizing that, although it may feel that way, the reality is with the being 7 billion people on the planet. The chances are there's at least a few other people who have felt similar. Allow yourself the opportunity to find them, allow yourself the opportunity to connect with them, and it can be really powerful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is really important, especially and I've said this in previous episodes, so bear with me I think there's a lot of positive that's with social media, but there's also that quest to be perfect, and what you've shared is that humanity isn't perfect and what you see there isn't real. Sometimes it can be really helpful because people have learned to share a lot more on social media versus like everything has to be perfect and everybody has to do the dance and all of the things. But that can also make people feel really lonely and I love that. Your service and your mission is really to help people feel connection, and that's what inclusivity is all about. It's not necessarily that you're exactly the same, but there's something that you can connect to with other people, but I do.
Speaker 1:I love this so much and I'm so glad that you shared your story with us. Let me ask you a question. Let's say and this is one of those cheesy questions, so I apologize, but I'm going to say it anyway so, let's say, your younger self came in and sat down and said I want your services. What advice would you have given them?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I would give him that it's okay to be yourself. I knew when I was younger I hated being different. I just got teas and pigtail and I was just like I just want to blend in. I just wire people treating me this way. And now I would give myself that advice that your uniqueness is beautiful.
Speaker 3:Be who you are, be somebody who's different. Really embrace that. Embrace those differences and celebrate them, because that is what makes you you. And will every person get it?
Speaker 3:No, and that is okay, because the people who do get it become your chosen family and they love you unconditionally and will show you what unconditional love is, and I was lucky to have a family that taught me that as well. But when you see that in the world and you really experience it from your friends, it can be really, really powerful. And a lot of people are not fortunate to have unconditionally loving parents, and so when they do find friends or coworkers or individuals in the world who do see them, it can be really important, it can be really validating. And so take the time to recognize those relationships and to really invest your energy into them, and invest more energy into those relationships than the relationships that are draining, than the relationships that are toxic and the relationship that don't make you feel good Because it's always going to be both that idea of ying and yang but choosing to spend more time building up those relationships that build you up.
Speaker 1:Thank you for that, Cheryl you're in that group.
Speaker 2:You know that. All the listeners know that You're in my people that build me up.
Speaker 1:Yes, we are.
Speaker 2:Yes, you are one of my people. You are my family. Yes, also. So that is, I'm recognizing you. Right now is what I'm trying to do.
Speaker 1:Thank you, yes. And you know I feel the same way about you and you know it's been a blessing. Our relationship has been a blessing because I think you know we separately probably would have had a tough time if we didn't meet one another. So it's been lovely, Yep, Yep, Yep.
Speaker 2:For sure, cheryl, be short with the heart stuff and don't cry. Yeah, on camera, I'm just sitting, I love you.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:So yeah, we have one more question and then we'll kind of close things up. So I know we're right at the time, so we'll kind of try to make it quick. But the last question we was asked everybody is the what is happening for you question. Right, what is happening is about the, the next thing that feels, fills your heart, fills your soul, finds your or allows your purpose to grow, and maybe that's rest. It doesn't have to be big, right, it can be very, very small, but it sounds like you've got some big plans on what you're doing with this space, and so I would love to hear what is happening next for Alex.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I'm really excited. Professionally, I am two courses away from getting my New York license. So, after everything, with grad school, I'm able to find another way to get my license to be a licensed health counselor, to really have that impact in New York and also allow myself to be able to be a supervisor to help the next generation of coaches and counselors to be able to spread more joy around the world, and so I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to being able to take my company and grow it, and grow it in ways that will allow the mission to stay the same but hopefully be able to reach more individuals in need, and so I look forward to that.
Speaker 2:That's amazing. And I can only see it continuing to grow. So if there's ways that we can be supportive and helpful within that, definitely let us know One. First of all, I just want to let listeners know the colors on the back wall have changed now, and I'm loving it Obsessed.
Speaker 3:The changes with Knight as like a little subtle reminder. My husband is very good at technology. I'm more of the excitement, he's more kind of the structure and so he's programmed it throughout the day to kind of change as like a gentle reminder of its nighttime start winding down and then it gets like softer light. So this is a very pleasant way of each day kind of having the different themes to kind of bring little bits of joy throughout the day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love it. I'm going to have to talk to your husband and figure out how to do that because, I want it yes.
Speaker 1:Yes, obsessed with the background Sparkle, dazzlin. Yes, oh my gosh, alex, are there any social media or websites, or books or anything like that you'd like to share with our audience?
Speaker 3:Yes, so my website is wwwLGBTQjoycom. I'm the website. It has links to all my other socials. Okay, the main focus is the website and coming soon I will be publishing my book, the LGTQ Path to Enlightenment. Yay, I have a little mock up of the title here. Oh, yay. So we are in the final stages of kind of getting that up and getting it ready and getting it published, and that will be available on the website as well relatively soon. So stay tuned. If you like research or like kind of understanding all of the stuff that we talked about today and kind of want to learn about it from a deeper perspective, I strongly recommend you take a look at it. Hopefully it helps inspire you to feel more joy Awesome.
Speaker 1:Thank you, Alex.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:On behalf of Eileen and myself, thank you for joining us audience With this episode of you Only Go Once. Have a great rest of your day and we'll see you next episode. Take care Bye.
